my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
