This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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