Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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