I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
