Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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