I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
