My sheets look like a crime scene.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
