It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
