I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
