after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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