True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
