God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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