listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
