Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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