All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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