I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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