apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
bring money and cleavage
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
