i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
