I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
