why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
