Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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