Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
