I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
