you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
