you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
