I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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