Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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