i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize