I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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