I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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