Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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