umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
