god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
