she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
