So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
