I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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