Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
