I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Operation Purity has been aborted
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
