I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
