After last night, I could never be a politician.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
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And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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