So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
