Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
