Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just threw up on my dentist
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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