boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
