then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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