Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
