Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
