I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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