thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
