just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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