she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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