Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
