Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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