my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
