new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
tell me about the eggs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
