Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
